im...confused.
at least, I feel like I'm confused, but I think maybe I understand myself and whatnot perfectly well, but i choose not to accept things... there i go , psycho-analyzing everything.. wow, you'd think i'd had therapy or something, but I think it is from not having therapy-- and having to sort things out on my own a whole lot... hmm...did this entry have a point???? yep..it does

okay, so things at home...suck... but a lot of outside things are soooooo much better than they have been- probably ever... and though that isn't always saying much, I still have a lot of things going for me? SO why can't I just shut up and be happy? hmm...

I'm especially feeling this in my friendships (the new ones especially-- because for some reason, when i see old friends from high school, i dont feel this way as much) anyways... like I haven't even really talked to a lot of friends this past week (I've been busy, but I would normally at least hang with them once or twice.. or something) but I have avoided hanging with them... and now I'm not going to see them till i get back from camp (i leave saturday and get back the next saturday the 29th) I just feel like when I get together with those friends, like I am pretending or something...

I feel like I have to put on this facade... I know I come off on here as this vulnerable, emotional, (probably headstrong in some forums like the big debates...) and mostly needy girl... In general, I really am not a needy person-- I mean, I do better with those one on one relationships, but I don't call people and get them to talk to me for 2 hours about my life... Maybe i am going through a needy kinda thing right now because I am dealing with stuff that it would be nice to be supported on, but I am not 1)letting people help or 2)letting them even know. I dont know--- maybe I am worried that people would not be able to handle what im dealing with as well as i need them too...coming on here and spilling my guts has very low stakes, but telling everything to people face to face is a whole other story...

anyways, now that i've completely strayed from my point, i'll get back to it for a bit
:rolleyes: like my friend is giving me singing lessons--- and we thought my car was going to be in the shop, so she came over to my house and she worked on me with my song here- and I love this friend to death-- she is awesome... but I just did not feel like myself... Like i usually talk up a storm with almost everyone (i know, big surprise when you consider my post length..) but lately, I havent really cared about having a great conversation... It's more like "yeah, okay, i'll see you later" than "oh, I have the most exciting thing to tell you"
I just feel kinda listless-- but I never ever feel like that.. its scary-- i am hoping (and counting on) coming down the mountain with a whole new take on things...

I think it kinda goes with the territory of finding out how to put yourself together ... I am not much into talking to people right now either ... I don't really seem to have much to talk about it seems but my problems ... I havn't seem my friends much either kinda havn't wanted to also ... it is just kinda weird our conversations seem to be the same thing over and over again... I think it just goes with the terriory babe.

yeah--its just weird, and more importantly, it's unlike me..
I mean, if i can say ANYTHING about myself for sure-- it is that I'm real.. like "Genuine" -- i mean, not just how i feel about myself, but even like in my yearbook--people commented on that quality in me... and now-- somethings changed- i really dont want to lose that quality...i mean, im sure its just a temporary kind of thing, but Im feeling a lack of caring about a lot of stuff-and i dont even know how to act about that.-- I think something that speaks pretty loudly in all this is the fact that it is like 3:30 am or something, and i am awake... I am about to go to bed actually, but this is kind of me sabotaging myself in the way that if i stay up pretty late, I will sleep through the early part of the day, and not be awake in the hours where i would be "pretending" to care, or living my weird life...
:werd: :werd: :werd: :werd: :werd: :werd: :werd: :werd: :werd:

Well I think we are a lot alike... my friends get worried when I don't say much or do much... and I have always been open... the way I am on DA is just like how I am in person... you ask I'll tell sometimes even if you don't ask! And yeah I am beg. to not care ... gotta be at work tomorrow at 2pm but I am here instead of on my couch sleeping (partially due to TJ mynephew --refer to journal MY COUCH!! if you want details) so I understand where you are at right now ... you are not alone my dear!