So, you guys, it's been almost a year and a half with this guy, Scott...2 weeks ago we went on an 11 day trip (drove from washington state, to wyoming, then colorado) for some snowboarding & I met his brother, sis in law & their 2 kids...good, right? meeting the family?? so, the bro had some co workers with them, ( work conference) so, naturally, everyone called me "scotts girlfriend" ..and he did not corrent anyone..I was still skeptic, because we've had some weird off & on thing, and he's been on match.com this whole time...but i decided I was gonna have a good time! we snowboarded, he bought me a new board, everythign was awesome..we could have had more sex tho ( only once..boo..) ..anyway, the trip home, 8 hr drive, was when the talk happened,..I was talking about how my prev marriage was not good because I don't know why I married the guy in the first place, we had nothing in common..blah blah...then scott busts out with " I finally realize that I'm not gonna meet anyone that I get along as well or have som much in common with than you" I told him " me too"! then we wee talkin about dating again, and he said we could get collars for my dogs for his elec fence, he mentioned about talkin about "shacking up". like me moving in, and asked if I would sell my house or rent it...adn we even talked about having kids!! and he said he wanted to in the past take me on these trips, but was afraid to take it to the next level..and told me he wants to take me to Moab, get me up to speed on biking, and lots of camping trips this summer...so good, right? we kissed when he dropped me off...but the day after that, he was weird...hardly texting me, ad so later I called him, asking him if he was freaked..he said yea, taht he woke up with a " trapped" feeling WTF?! I told him that i just wnated to date & not move in yet..and asked him if the things he told me in the car were true--he said yes, ..adn that we need to alk some more....so, what the hell?? If the guy likes me, and all that, what do I say to not scare him off????

Commitment issues. Pretty natural for some guys. In some ways that's good because if he does take the big step you'll know he's good and ready... but then again commitment issues can also mean a potential cheater. You two just need more talks like the one you had to get things sorted out and make sure you both are ready for what you're possibly getting into. It's rough, but you're doing fine. Keep up the good work.

So, you think it's good that he brought up that stuff?? I admit, I was relieved he feels the same way that I have felt this whole time...he was just too scared to say

Yeah, some of us just aren't very good with stuff like that. Personally I'm scared of marriage or even moving in with my girl because I'm afraid of a repeat of my last marriage. The closer we get, the scarier it gets for me because I have stronger feelings for her than I ever had for my ex, which means she could potentially hurt me a lot worse than my ex ever did. He might have a similar thing going. I don't know much about him to say though. Sounds like he meant everything he said, it's just that dramatic changes in his life like that can be intimidating for some people. Keep in mind, for some of us, actions (intros to the family, ski trips, etc...) are easier than words. Just gotta ease him into it, like getting into a hot bathtub.

:doh:

You're posting about this guy again?

Val, stay with this dude and this will be the type of relationship you'll have forever with him. Back and forth, on and off, happy one day, afraid the next...Dude is playing you like a violin. So obvious.

Guys don't introduce them to the family if we're playing with their heads. The dude does need to shit or get off the pot though. Besides, I wouldn't call his reaction "freaking out". It's pretty normal as far as I can see.

When you bring this stuff on a board, you gotta expect that most people are going to give you the most pessimistic response because we only have one side of the facts. I'm not saying Optimus is wrong, but I think I need to add a little balance and advocate for Val's guy just to make it fair for him since he can't come on and speak up.

Guys don't introduce them to the family if we're playing with their heads. The dude does need to shit or get off the pot though. Besides, I wouldn't call his reaction "freaking out". It's pretty normal as far as I can see.

When you bring this stuff on a board, you gotta expect that most people are going to give you the most pessimistic response because we only have one side of the facts. I'm not saying Optimus is wrong, but I think I need to add a little balance and advocate for Val's guy just to make it fair for him since he can't come on and speak up.

She's been posting about this guy for a while now, and it just seems like either he's the most non-commital guy I've ever heard of, or he's just playing with her because she's ready and willing, and he'll just sort of keep her until something better comes along. Hence, the profile on match.com, the ridiculous "I'm scuuuured" excuses, etc...

Yeah, I hear ya, but that sounds like the worst case scenario to me. I don't think they're neccesarily ridiculous excuses though. It depends on the guy. Everyone has their reasons. I have mine. We really can't say with any certainty unless we hear his side.

I know...the same guy....I have never gotten along so well with another guy..except for this commitment issue, he's great, and if he was using me for sex, wouldn't we be doing it more?....I guess I will have to see what happend when we talk again, I just need a casual way to bring it up

If he was using you for sex, he wouldn't have introduced you to his family either.

Meeting his parents while on a snowboarding trip isn't exactly an indicator of anything serious. He didn't introduce her as his girlfriend, other people did. Something to think about.

I know...the same guy....I have never gotten along so well with another guy..except for this commitment issue, he's great, and if he was using me for sex, wouldn't we be doing it more?....I guess I will have to see what happend when we talk again, I just need a casual way to bring it up

Dude Val, you've been going back and forth with this guy for how long now? And you're looking for a "casual" way to bring it up? Haven't you had enough of "casual?"

Be direct with him. Why would you want to be with him anyway if he's so uncertain of you? Wouldn't you rather be with a man who was certain?

It was his older brother...he said he wanted to take me to Thanksgiving (this last year) but didn't because he was a fraid to take it to the next level...he really looks up to his brother too, he doens't brings girls to stuff..and yes, I realize he didn't introduce me as "this is my girlfriend" but as "Valerie"

did I mention that he's only lived with 2 girlfriends, one at a time of coarse, but not longer than 3 months?? ...

Dude Val, you've been going back and forth with this guy for how long now? And you're looking for a "casual" way to bring it up? Haven't you had enough of "casual?"

Be direct with him. Why would you want to be with him anyway if he's so uncertain of you? Wouldn't you rather be with a man who was certain?

Dammit, you have a point

Meeting his parents while on a snowboarding trip isn't exactly an indicator of anything serious.
It means something where I was brought up.

Men nowadays have good reason to be cautious especially in this day and age when so many laws concerning domestics skew heavily favoring the woman. Give him the chance to warm up to things, don't rush him, and if it comes, it comes. The less you stress about it, the less he will.

Thanks for your input..I'm sure I'll let you know how things play out... :)

hardly texting me
what's 'hardly'? are up the guys ass?
are you one of those females that always has to know where he is and what he's doing?

did I mention that he's only lived with 2 girlfriends, one at a time of coarse, but not longer than 3 months??
and that may say it all right there...

and just b/c his family is there doesn't necessarily mean he wants things to be more serious...

what's 'hardly'? are up the guys ass?
are you one of those females that always has to know where he is and what he's doing?

I read an article recently about how some psychologists are saying some women are abusing their partner through incessant texting. Having to know where they are at all times, getting verbally abusive in the text messages, constantly harrassing them, bombarding them with messages...the popularity and ease of texting gives them a convenient way to constantly be in contact with them without speaking with them. I thought it was kind of funny.

there's definitely a lot of truth to that...

optimus is right. He's using you for companionship. He doesn't like you enough to really want to make it serious, but he's doing it anyway because he's afraid you're the best he can get. He's waiting for something better to come along. When you ask him if he wants to live together, what he's thinking in his head is "I might as well, because I don't have anything better to do."

Your relationship with him will be this way for as long as it lasts. He's just not that into you.


" I finally realize that I'm not gonna meet anyone that I get along as well or have som much in common with than you"


I mean COME ON! That's almost a direct translation to: "I don't like you much but I don't have any better options"

eh. I wouldn't want to be with someone who still advirtised himself over the internet if you guys are 'getting serious.' which is looks like you aren't.
I think he wants to keep his options open, and you're the closest and easiest one to access at the moment.
and don't judge his intentions by how often you have sex. I wouldn't, anyway.
I don't have much faith in him wanting something serious, but then again, I'm kind of young for this sort of thing, and I don't even know him.

optimus is right. He's using you for companionship. He doesn't like you enough to really want to make it serious, but he's doing it anyway because he's afraid you're the best he can get. He's waiting for something better to come along. When you ask him if he wants to live together, what he's thinking in his head is "I might as well, because I don't have anything better to do."

Your relationship with him will be this way for as long as it lasts. He's just not that into you.



I mean COME ON! That's almost a direct translation to: "I don't like you much but I don't have any better options"i agree.

From my experience, and from the general concensus, I say you are setting yourself up for failure. Get ready for some hurting Val, it's coming.

Looking at you I see a sweet, very beautiful woman, who does not deserve someone to toy with her. Currently, you have submitted to an unfair treatment, which indicates lack of self-confidence and lack of will to initiate change. You are going through an emotional crisis of a very serious nature, that could leave you scarred for life. You need to detach from this man, pronto.

The thing is Val, you're afraid. You're afraid of losing what seems to be the best thing you've had in a long time. Val, you're aiming low, really low, if you think he is the best you can get. You think you're not amazing enough, and that the little he gives is good enough for you. He might be great in many ways, but he is detrimental in the most essential aspects of your relationship: loyalty, devotion, support. He is not there for you. He is capable of destroying you emotionally if you let him. You're in a serious state of denial, and it brings us back to the fact that you're AFRAID.

Afraid of lonelyness, depression, abstinence, the unknown... You can get through any crisis by keeping yourself busy, finding new interests, and spending time with friends. I don't care if you must cry yourself to sleep every night. Sadness subsides, time is a healer.

I suggest you start "cooling off" and spending less time with him. If you don't start getting used to the idea that this is a non-promising relationship, you will get massively hurt in a big bang that is waiting to happen. Remember I am speaking from a very similar experience. I know all about non-committal types and their on and off, back and forth game. You will be responsible for your own pain just as much as that SOB who's doing this to you, so do something about it, turn the tables around, show yourself what you're made of. You're a cute woman, get out there, use those assets - get another boyfriend.

A note to Val, and anyone else who's about to post "He did this and this, what does it mean?"

First off, people are individuals, and we're quirky. What we say and do one day we might not feel the same way about tomorrow. And what one person means when they act a certain way doesn't mean the rest of us have any inkling what it could mean, even if we have been in the same boat. So why ask us what a stranger is thinking?

There's only one person who knows how your SO is thinking and feeling, it's your SO.

If you and your SO can't communicate between the two of you what each of you wants, or expects, then there's going to be a problem.

If you've been seeing someone for a year, and you have to guess at where you fit into their lives, I think you already know you aren't the priority. If you are coming here for answers you cannot get from your SO, there's a clue that something is missing in the relationship. If you think that if you are patient, lightning will strike and you partner will finally see fit to commit, be wary of the monkeys about to fly out of your ass.

This guy clearly isnt ready for the shacking up kind of life much less marriage and what was up with him taking a year and a half to introduce you to family.
This guy is so indecisive and confused its not funny.

Just watch the ride val27 and try not to think/worry about his comments on the whole marriage/shacking up thing. Take him as he comes.

From my experience, and from the general concensus, I say you are setting yourself up for failure. Get ready for some hurting Val, it's coming.

Looking at you I see a sweet, very beautiful woman, who does not deserve someone to toy with her. Currently, you have submitted to an unfair treatment, which indicates lack of self-confidence and lack of will to initiate change. You are going through an emotional crisis of a very serious nature, that could leave you scarred for life. You need to detach from this man, pronto.

The thing is Val, you're afraid. You're afraid of losing what seems to be the best thing you've had in a long time. Val, you're aiming low, really low, if you think he is the best you can get. You think you're not amazing enough, and that the little he gives is good enough for you. He might be great in many ways, but he is detrimental in the most essential aspects of your relationship: loyalty, devotion, support. He is not there for you. He is capable of destroying you emotionally if you let him. You're in a serious state of denial, and it brings us back to the fact that you're AFRAID.

Afraid of lonelyness, depression, abstinence, the unknown... You can get through any crisis by keeping yourself busy, finding new interests, and spending time with friends. I don't care if you must cry yourself to sleep every night. Sadness subsides, time is a healer.

I suggest you start "cooling off" and spending less time with him. If you don't start getting used to the idea that this is a non-promising relationship, you will get massively hurt in a big bang that is waiting to happen. Remember I am speaking from a very similar experience. I know all about non-committal types and their on and off, back and forth game. You will be responsible for your own pain just as much as that SOB who's doing this to you, so do something about it, turn the tables around, show yourself what you're made of. You're a cute woman, get out there, use those assets - get another boyfriend.

I tend not to agree with Canadiense on much, but she's spot on here.

...If you've been seeing someone for a year, and you have to guess at where you fit into their lives, I think you already know you aren't the priority. If you are coming here for answers you cannot get from your SO, there's a clue that something is missing in the relationship. If you think that if you are patient, lightning will strike and you partner will finally see fit to commit, be wary of the monkeys about to fly out of your ass.

This is the Cliff's Notes version, basically. And also note Feenix's post at the top of this page.

optimus is right. He's using you for companionship. He doesn't like you enough to really want to make it serious, but he's doing it anyway because he's afraid you're the best he can get. He's waiting for something better to come along. When you ask him if he wants to live together, what he's thinking in his head is "I might as well, because I don't have anything better to do."

Your relationship with him will be this way for as long as it lasts. He's just not that into you.



I mean COME ON! That's almost a direct translation to: "I don't like you much but I don't have any better options"

Sorry Val - but I agree :(

From the information provided, I have to agree with Canadiense and Mystlet....sorry.

I am blown away that I think you guys are right..that was not what I wanted, but deep down I knew it...he really is not that into me..now is the hard part, for me, to let him go and find someone else..or noone else for that matter

c'mon down to florida, I'll take good care of you :D

I am blown away that I think you guys are right..that was not what I wanted, but deep down I knew it...he really is not that into me..now is the hard part, for me, to let him go and find someone else..or noone else for that matter

Good for you! :nice:

You've taken the first step toward real happiness! I'm sure it doesn't feel good now, but a few years from now you may look back on that decision and be very glad you made it. Just be careful not to fall into the same situation with a different guy.

You have plenty of options. You're a very pretty girl, and from the sound of it, you're fun to be around. Any guy in his right mind would be happy to be with you. And any guy who doesn't treat you right is an idiot. Don't waste your time on fools. Be patient, and wait to find a guy who's really into you before you get serious again.

:werd:

Meeting the parents really doesn't mean much. Sometimes your just as the same place at the same time. I have met many parents and it not amount to anything serious. I am with Optimus on this one... Eww..did I say that.. ;)

Take it a step in between. Like what my mom does. She sleeps over at her boyfreinds house some days and othes she stays at home. They kinda have a weird story going on that I don't want everyone to know, but you could try this just to see how well it works.