I believe the official statistic say that 7 out of 10 marraiges end up in divorce.

If you are a DAer who's successfully married and happy, how do you do it? Any tips? Words of wisdom?

As an unmarried man, my tip and advice is don't marry someone until you're sure you never want to live without them. And they're exactly what you want to live with forever, don't ever expect them to change to fit your desires. And don't let the romance fool you. It aint easy and it never will be.

My words of wisdom are that you should meet me in Tulsa for a night of heated sexual debauchery before you're reduced to kitchen work, kids, and an overweight husband who can't please you sexually.

This fantastic advice comes to you from the most judgemental, self-righteous guy on DA. :nice:

Oh, we have some members who are way more judgemental and self-righteous than him.

I am a divorcee about to remarry...I think the best advice is to be honest with yourself and look at the reason you are with someone, whether you really know the person and accept that person for who he/she is (not thinking they will change,etc), and being able to see yourself for who you are and more importantly are NOT...then you can handle a lifetime of rollercoaster events with a partner-whether married or not...a partner in life.

I see the problems that were wrong with my first marriage and other relationships and I believe I have finally come into a state that I can see things how they actually are and I have found the perfect person for me that is on the same page and they compliment me/we each other...and it is not a struggle or work to be together...and it is a deep bond, deeper than physical...hard to explain.

I look forward to a life with this man. I think I am on the right path for once :)

Bottom line, as shitty as it might be, I've heard more than a few people say, "I know why it didn't work the first time, I've learned from it and I know what I need to do this time," and have it end up the same way.

Any advice that anyone gives you should be taken with a grain of salt.

:yeahthat:

I can't give advice on how to make a marriage work, but I can say that being with someone who doesn't want to change you and who you don't want to change is key to a successful relationship.

Oh, we have some members who are way more judgemental and self-righteous than him.

Yo.


Anyway, marriage is work. You have to work to keep it. Thick and thin, you have to stick with it. Marriage is hard work. In my discussions with happily married folks, I have learned there is one all-important thing to keep it going. Communication. Fights will happen. They always do, but they shouldn't become problematic if you maintain an open dialogue. Hard to have grudges or stay angry if you get everything out on the table. It also can prevent future fights. Communication keeps everything going.

Words of wisdom?

What you see is what you get. Time & marriage don't change people. You will have the same exact person in ten years as you do now. Only you know if there is anything that should caution you about vowing to spend the rest of your time with him. If you trust your judgment is sound, and not affected my a longing to be a bride, or a fear of being alone, then things will most likely be okay.

Words of wisdom?

What you see is what you get. Time & marriage don't change people. You will have the same exact person in ten years as you do now. Only you know if there is anything that should caution you about vowing to spend the rest of your time with him. If you trust your judgment is sound, and not affected my a longing to be a bride, or a fear of being alone, then things will most likely be okay.

I disagree. We all change with time. Not because of time, but things happen over time and we all change. Nobody's static. It's the ability to cope with change that is the challenge. I'm not even talking about big change. The little nuances, the tempering of feelings, these things do change and affect relationships of every type.

I'm getting married...not because I want to be married. I kind of don't- like most wives I know are centered around their husbands...NOOOOO. I'm not that kind of girl; I'm too independant. I can't rely on someone else to keep me stimulated. But I sure do want to live with Justin forever, and have sex with only him (but thanks for the unwelcome offer, 86) forever, and have his kids. He's great company.

And I know that means marraige.

But getting married is freaking me out.

dont do it

husbands are centered around their wives too

I want to SHARE my life WITH HIM, not MAKE HIM MY LIFE.

I want to SHARE my life WITH HIM, not MAKE HIM MY LIFE.

That's how you make a relationship last.

I'm getting married...not because I want to be married. I kind of don't- like most wives I know are centered around their husbands...NOOOOO. I'm not that kind of girl; I'm too independant. I can't rely on someone else to keep me stimulated. But I sure do want to live with Justin forever, and have sex with only him (but thanks for the unwelcome offer, 86) forever, and have his kids. He's great company.

And I know that means marraige.

But getting married is freaking me out.

:) No, that doesn't mean marriage. At the risk of sounding lame, it's a new era. There are many different types of situations/relationships that people have today. Find the one that suits you, that pleases you, that makes you happy. If you don't want to get married, don't. Be fair and be up front with your partner.

I hope you figure it all out and make the right decision for yourself.

:) No, that doesn't mean marriage. At the risk of sounding lame, it's a new era. There are many different types of situations/relationships that people have today. Find the one that suits you, that pleases you, that makes you happy. If you don't want to get married, don't. Be fair and be up front with your partner.

I hope you figure it all out and make the right decision for yourself.

Dot is a Christian. I doubt she'd be into living with someone without being married. She's also rare in other ways, but I'll let her be the one to talk about that if she so chooses. ;) (she already has mentioned it, btw)

And I'm not apparently. :)


In my opinion (and experience), you don't really know someone until you've lived with them.

I disagree. We all change with time. Not because of time, but things happen over time and we all change. Nobody's static. It's the ability to cope with change that is the challenge. I'm not even talking about big change. The little nuances, the tempering of feelings, these things do change and affect relationships of every type.

Call me after ten years of marriage & we'll compare notes, m'kay?

I just do what I'm told, don't ask questions, and hand over all my pay checks. My marriage couldn't be any more stress-free.

don't try to change your spouse

get used to farts

I agree with RandomTimes, you need test the car before you buy it...you really dont know a person until you live with them day and night- that is when all the quirky personal things come to light...and stuff.

disagree.. you don't need to live with someone if you truly love and trust them

of all the people in my family, only one divorce has occured. It was an uncle that was shacking up for a few years before they got married. My parents have been married for 35 years, grandparents both had 50 year anniversaries, all my other relatives have been married for YEARS. Not one of them "tried it out" first

Okay the two most common pieces of advice seem to conflict with one another.

A) You can't get married expecting your partner to change.
B) You both have to be willing to compromise and change your mind to accomodate the other person.

So don't expect change, but be willing to change.


uhmmmmmm

You're too damn young to be getting married. But I think you'll be a great wife.

Don't ever go to sleep angry with each other.

Compromising is different from attempting to change who your partner "is."

i personally think you are way, way, way too young to get married. so my words of wisdom would be wait ten years, then see how you feel. best of luck to you though.

22 is young!?!? Let me refresh you, homies, I am in the midwest. By the standard around here, I'm late.

AND-I also haven't had sex yet, and for the standard on that anywhere, I'm REALLY late.

AND my fiance will be 27 in March.

**edit to Add**
And thanks for the compliment about being a good wife, optimus. I sure hope so.

Well, when you gotta get some ass, you gotta do whatcha gotta do.

no such thing as too young. I was 23

IMO, the "don't go to bed angry" deal is just a saying, nothing more

22 is young!?!? Let me refresh you, homies, I am in the midwest. By the standard around here, I'm late.

AND-I also haven't had sex yet, and for the standard on that anywhere, I'm REALLY late.

AND my fiance will be 27 in March.

**edit to Add**
And thanks for the compliment about being a good wife, optimus. I sure hope so.yes, 22 is young.

Yes, 22 is too young.

:) I don't know your finances, but most at 22 haven't enough money to afford marriage. Marriage costs. Add babies to that and it's going to cost a hell of a whole lot more.

But who knows, maybe you've been planning and saving for several years for this.

I have no idea what happened to the edit option, but I was also going to add that financial disagreement is the number one cause of divorce in the US.

Yes, 22 is too young.

:) I don't know your finances, but most at 22 haven't enough money to afford marriage. Marriage costs. Add babies to that and it's going to cost a hell of a whole lot more.

But who knows, maybe you've been planning and saving for several years for this.

I appreciate everyone's financial concerns.

While I do not want to disclose that information online, let the concerned know that we are going to be just fine. ;)
Presently, I just graduated and things were put in my name...

And in a month, a high-ASVAB-scoring, female Nuclear Engineer will enter the Navy with a college degree. BIG BONUSES.

And neither one of us are in Credit Card debt (well, his we have a plan to pay off by the time we get our house in South Carolina.)

So...we're good. And we have spoken about finances and planned for how we will save/invest/and keep tabs on the moneys.

Yes.

I was 19 when I married. Been married for 12 years on February 25th.

Expect your first year to be the hardest, esp if you havent lived together. Just trying to learn to the give and take of another separate autonomous individual that is not your parents in your household can be tough to adjust to, but you will adjust.

Compromise, compromise, compromise. Did I forget to mention compromise? :D

Never ever sweat the small stuff. Who the frick cares if the toilet seat is up? If he rolls the toothpaste tube vs flattening it, how the toilet roll is replaced, socks on the floor etc.

Never fight over money

Never fight over sex

Sarcasm is a love killer

Always tell your love how much you appreciate them. They need to hear it more than you know.

And most of all, remember that it is no longer all about you. And in this day and age that is probably the hardest one to adhere to.

I love my marriage and it just keeps getting better. I love this man more than I ever thought possible, and could not imagine life without him.

Yo.


Anyway, marriage is work. You have to work to keep it. Thick and thin, you have to stick with it. Marriage is hard work. In my discussions with happily married folks, I have learned there is one all-important thing to keep it going. Communication. Fights will happen. They always do, but they shouldn't become problematic if you maintain an open dialogue. Hard to have grudges or stay angry if you get everything out on the table. It also can prevent future fights. Communication keeps everything going.

That's just what miserable people tell themselves to explain why their marriages suck.

When you're with someone you like, you don't have to work to stay happy together. You just ARE happy together.

Words of wisdom?

What you see is what you get. Time & marriage don't change people. You will have the same exact person in ten years as you do now. Only you know if there is anything that should caution you about vowing to spend the rest of your time with him. If you trust your judgment is sound, and not affected my a longing to be a bride, or a fear of being alone, then things will most likely be okay.

Myst is right. People don't change.

Okay the two most common pieces of advice seem to conflict with one another.

A) You can't get married expecting your partner to change.
B) You both have to be willing to compromise and change your mind to accomodate the other person.

So don't expect change, but be willing to change.


uhmmmmmm

Answer A is the correct advice.


Then again, I'm not married. I can't tell you how to make a marriage last, but I can tell you how to avoid an unhappy marriage. I've managed to do it so far.

I believe the official statistic say that 7 out of 10 marraiges end up in divorce.

If you are a DAer who's successfully married and happy, how do you do it? Any tips? Words of wisdom?

Ask Optimus... I believe he has a very detailed list.:rolleyes:

You need to ease off, and fast.

That's just what miserable people tell themselves to explain why their marriages suck.

When you're with someone you like, you don't have to work to stay happy together. You just ARE happy together...



I'm not sure that I agree with that. There is that initial "happy to be together", thing, but when that wears off, you have him cracking his toes and her leaving her razor stubble in the tub and his stinky socks and her cat sleeping on your head.

Marriage is work and you have to want to do it. It's not roses and kisses and champagne; it's electic bills and kids with runny noses and septic tanks that need to be pumped.

I'm not sure that I agree with that. There is that initial "happy to be together", thing, but when that wears off, you have him cracking his toes and her leaving her razor stubble in the tub and his stinky socks and her cat sleeping on your head.

Marriage is work and you have to want to do it. It's not roses and kisses and champagne; it's electic bills and kids with runny noses and septic tanks that need to be pumped.

I'd say that when it's become all work, it's time to rethink the situation. Even when there are hard times, there are good times. When it's all a battle, you have to acknowledge there's something seriously wrong.

there's a time to work it out and there's a time to give up & grieve.

How many people who responded to this are actually married, or never been divorced?

I'd say there'es you answer right there, sadly.

I just remembered a quote, but can't remember where it's from.

The key to a successful marriage is a bad memory.

How many people who responded to this are actually married, or never been divorced?

I'd say there'es you answer right there, sadly.
/ me raises his hand

/ me raises his hand


Yay! You and Me! We should start a club or sumpin'. :p